Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I haven't been in the mood to post any new music here lately. I don't know if I ever will again. I like trying out new things and sharing them with everyone but I am so terrible at writing nice words about what I hear. I know it's not the most important thing, and I could easily get by with writing no thoughts at all, but I sincerely want to. I realize some of my reviews are longer than others, and better written, and more thought out, and it is saddening to see how many I have just left with a few meaningless sentences about my fickle feelings. I take such a long time to construct my sentences, and in my speech I am even worse - the time draws out as I choose the only the words that, to me, are most fitting. I experiment with word order and take care to make every sentence interesting and slightly different... it is so tiring to accomplish this. As you can see, I give up all too often and proceed in a more monotonous tone. I'm sure this is not very important at all.

Just listened to Boris' New Album, and can easily say I very much enjoyed it. It incoporated many moods that I have never heard from Boris (though I can't say I've heard a lot from them), and it was a pleasant surprise. It appears that they have two more albums coming out next month, so those will be eagerly awaited... I also listened to Venetian Snares' album Rossz Csillag Allat Született for the first time in quite a while. I am always struck by how well the two go together, modern classical and breakcore. I think I like "Második Galamb" and "Hajnal" the most. I also re-discovered my love for Sweet Trip (their song "Milk" is breathtaking) and Little Dragon, two dissimilar bands that I will always associate with each other because I found out about them both from the same person. Sooo, yeah. That's what's happening in the music side of my life.

I'm in the middle of watching and reading and downloading so many things, I wonder if I will ever have time to properly enjoy them all. I am out of the school for the next 3 weeks, so I hope I will focus on these things and not fooling around/sleeping in until the afternoon (although I do love doing that). I often stay up late, and I like doing so, but as I've grown older there seems to be no point to it anymore. I neither accomplish nor neglect anything. It is quiet, and peaceful, but I feel a slight pressure to just go to bed and let the night pass. But the night is a beautiful thing, and I shouldn't take it for granted.

On Saturday I went to the mall with my mom and my sister. I bought some things for the first time in a long time. Whenever I go to the mall with what little money I have I am reluctant to buy anything, as I know I will regret it later. There are times, though, when I have a very small amount and will buy anything just to go home with the satisfaction of a bag or two full of some odd trinket or other. Anyway, I had some extra money from teaching piano lessons and I used some of it to buy a fairly cheap French dictionary and an introductional book to the Japanese language. I often think in French (rarely correctly) and sometimes I like looking up a certain word or phrase. My interest in learning fluent Japanese is minimal, but I do want to know more about it. It's such an ancient, (complex?) language - much like French. It's something I will have to work really hard at in order to get better. I'd like to visit those places someday.

I have been playing piano more than ever these days. I'm working on mostly stuff for these stupid competitions my teacher has me do (and has been having me do for most of my time with her). I'm not generally a competitive person, and I am the least competitive in piano. I love piano and play it and practice it because it is what I am the most passionate about in life, above all else. I don't practice to be the best, I practice to get better and be more true to what I feel the composer's desires were. It is very tough work, and I often get so frustrated I have to leave and come back later. I am ambitious in little else besides piano - I am eager to move forward, to conquer the hardest pieces, to overcome the most painful difficulties. So much of my life revolves around the playing of that instrument, however exhausting it is, and I have so much to owe to it. When I feel at my absolute lowest, there is nowhere else I can go but to my piano. I am not running to an emotion, or a feeling, or a long dead composer - I yearn for the physical feel of my piano, and the room that it is in, that room in which no one but myself ever goes. I feel safe there, even if I don't feel ready to play a piece. It is a sort of home for me. I hope when I go to university I don't lose this affection for the piano, as I will have to be away from my own, the one I've practiced on for years, longer than I ever have...

Recently I have uncovered a new love - the work of João Ruas. He is a young Brazilian artist who works in many mediums with varied subject matter. I have noticed a consistent detail in all of his works - can you see it? I love the fuzzy dreaminess of his art, the edges of the lines (and reality?) as nebulous as ever, the coarse vagueness being it's central strength. It reminds me a little of the November day my grandfather died, and the silent ride home as it snowed softly. I listened to Korouva then, and Popol Vuh. That entire day was a cold, slow shock.

"How can I be strong when I do not know my own mind?
I am lost."

"That's not true," corrects my shadow. "You are not lost. It's just that your own thoughts are being kept from you, or hidden away. But the mind is strong. It survives, even without thought. Even with every thing taken away, it holds a seed - your self. You must believe in your own powers."


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