Monday, June 13, 2011

the sun has poisoned me

I went to the beach today. It was hot. It was cloudy. I got sunburned. I smell like seaweed. My hair is salty. My legs are burning my arms are freezing and my shivers last extra long.

My family leaves the day after tomorrow. Then I will be able to get a full night of rest, possibly, and have time to talk to people / listen to music / post music, etc. And practice piano. I haven't even attempted to in slightly over a week. This depresses me.

I haven't read at all in slightly over a week, either... I think my two library books are like a month overdue. I know I have somewhere around $30 in late charges at the library. That depresses me.

I just downloaded Clockcleaner's EP Auf-Wiedersehen and Straitjacket Fits' album Hail. Going to listen to them soon.

Sleep is beckoning me and my eyes hurt so fucking bad but I can't bring myself to lie in bed and face that terrible dark vacuum that I know awaits me. I don't want to dream, and I have a feeling that I won't, but lately... something that used to haunt me has made another appearance in my dreams. A black figure standing beside my bed, always facing the side to which I have my back turned. The figure is armed and ready to murder me. I used to feel it swinging down to kill and would imagine that swift movement for such a long time. I would scream because of it... I remember my dad coming in to ask if I was on drugs, but I laughed at him because I was 14 and never left the house except to go on a walk every now and then. Anyway, I would rather not meet that creature again in my dreams.

I've told people about the figure but they always told me I was crazy - always. No one would even try to console me, or help me to realize the reality of the situation. They always tried to snap me out of it and hurt me further by instilling inside of me that I am crazy. I feel like I'm whining now.

Sorry for so many dumb posts about nothing. On the way home from the beach I listened to that Deathspell Omega track "Jubilate Deo" probably a dozen times. The final half - starting at around 4:00 - is just incredible... some of the greatest black metal I've ever heard. I don't want that last 2 minutes / 7 seconds to ever end. The whole SMRC album reminds me a lot of Phonsie, I remember when he listened to nothing but that album for weeks on end. Literally, nothing else. I miss him so bad. Well, that's it for the musical side of my life, I guess. I went through Blue Bell Knoll again earlier, "Itchy Glowbo Blow" is a very nice song.

verlies - "loss" (Dutch)
mouette - "seagull" (French)
vankityrmä - "dungeon" (Finnish)


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